Nirvana Mommas

I was officially depressed on Sunday.  It was the Sunday before the Monday that we had to get “back into the swing of things.”  The “first” Monday after the New Year.  UGH.  Not a super great way to start the year, right?  I was truly depressed.  I took down my tree.  Actually I had bitter sweet feelings about it.  I took it down and thought, “Oh no, my house is going to look so bare, not full of life.”  BUT when I got the tree down, I was somewhat relieved.  Phew….the holiday was finally over.  You know we build up the holidays for months.  Really…for months.  I had started shopping at Connor’s 8th birthday in October.  It’s normal…we all need a bit of the same “let down” that we have set aside for the build up.  And I had it.  I mean we left our beautiful house with my tree and holiday decorations to the snow.  It was still festive with firepits, ice skating and “dirty snowmen.”  For all wondering, the “dirty snowman” is a delicious “cocktail.”

So on my bummer of a Sunday, Rod and I decided to shop.  I mean why not??  We had no kids and we just love to meander, taking our time looking at ridiculous things we may want but don’t need.  I left him in Macy’s to go to the women’s Macy’s.  I had to have MAC’s Vellum (hot, hot white shadow).  As I wandered upstairs, I found some great, great items that I WANTED, but didn’t need.  I wanted these organic jeans.  Ridiculous.  I have 50 pairs of jeans, so I settled for some black pencil skinny jeans with black studs on the back pockets.  Very cute, very non commercial and NOT $200.00.  BLANK.  No, not blank as I have nothing to say; BLANK was the brand.  How perfect.  How perfect for my Sunday.

I made my decisions all while Rod sat on the curvey couch near the female dressing room.  I wandered around one section while passing him playing video games on his Iphone.  He didn’t care how long he sat (but had to stay there to secretly watch what I planned on purchasing).  Actually this probably provided a great deal of solidarity for him.  Peace at last.

We hopped on the escalator and headed down to our car when walking by with her sunglasses and dedicated stride was Kimberly.  I waved, smiled and yelled, “Hey!!  How are you?  You want Hector?”  Hector is my dog.  My dog who is so very afraid of my kids.  He doesn’t even interact with them.  Makes me sad for him.  So, I am always open to a home filled with one person.  One person who can dedicate their love to Hector.  Anyway, Kimberly laughed; leaned over the escalator and said, “I do, but I don’t.”  And that was that. 

OH……You don’t know who Kimberly is?  Kimberly……….is my ex’s girlfriend.  Yep, we met.  We all enjoyed her company on Christmas Eve.  And I must say….she was LOVELY.  She brought me homemade Rocky Road and grapefruit sugar scrub.  How sweet?  An olive branch or a thoughtful gesture?  Whatever it was, I liked it.  I knew she was “good people” when I mentioned to Jack that she would be joining us for dinner.  Jack had “dibs.”  He said, “KIMBERLY is coming over to play with me.  I’m playyyiiiinnngggg with Kimberly.”  How very sweet.  I explained that Kimberly was there to “mingle” with the adults and was there with his dad.  Supportive?  Yeah, I think so.  Our night was a great time.  We sat out by the firepit getting to know each other, sipping wine and smoking a cigarette here and there (Well Shelley and I did, not Kimberly).  After the kids were tucked in bed and sugar plums were dancing in their heads, we played elves.  A basketball hoop needed to be set up.  Rod, Mike….oh yeah and Steve Perez (Shelley’s second ex husband) began setting up the hoop.  Yeah….Steve was there too?  Oh and my dad and Jacquie.  You all might be sitting and judging and wondering.  Well sit, judge and wonder.  It works and because of it, we all have a great sense of peace.  No hang-up’s, no egos; just two boys trying to grow up surrounded by people who love them.

What do we as nirvana mommas believe?  We believe family is important.  We believe that on the holidays if someone may not have somewhere to go, we open our homes.  We put our ego aside and realize everyone needs love and support, but also realize what and who we do it for.  We do it for our son’s; the sanity of our son’s.  This is why meeting Kimberly was a piece of cake.  There were no weird feelings amongst any of us.  Specifically Shelley and I were eager and excited.  Eager to meet Kimberly.  We were very, very happy.  Happy that she was so great.  So great as a person, but SO GREAT with Jack too.  And I know we had a connection with our pineapple upside down cake cocktails that we consumed till 1:00 am.  Isn’t that what it’s all about?  If we walked around with blind folds we would miss out on so much.  And isn’t that what the journey is really about anyway?  Not the end, but the travels in between.

What’s important to you in 2009?

Ahhh…the beautiful, peaceful Maui sunset from atop the balcony of an ocean view room nestled amongst palm trees. No - this is not my vacation. I’m stuck in Sacramento with rain, sleet, wind, and a broken pot in my backyard with dirt emptying out into my pool. Not to mention, my outside firepit is drowning with water. Shelley and Steve are the two lovebirds sitting on “their” balcony overlooking the ocean, amongst palm trees, with flamengos below. They even have penguins in the hotel…apparently the Hyatt flew those suckers in - can you believe that? Shelley and Steve left on Friday, and we received our first call from Shelley on Saturday evening. Rod and I mistakenly left our phones in the car (we left Rod’s mother’s home and started to drive the long, windy roads when we realized Shelley called both of us to chat with Connor). Rod dialed her back, and Connor spoke with Steve for a bit, and then spoke with Shelley. Shelley was ecstatic to speak with Connor since she will not see him for another 8 days. Then, it happened.Jack chimed-in…”Connor, I want to talk to Sheellleeey.” Rod and I began to laugh as we quietly told Jack, “No.” Of course, Jack began to feel insignificant and we realized, hey, it’s totally fine for Jack to talk with Shelley. Why not? In his 5 year old eyes, he sees Shelley mothering Connor and naturally wants everything his brother has. The problem ensued when Connor could barely finish his conversation with his mom because Jack wanted his turn! Jack was so excited to talk with Shelley. “Hey, Shelley,” he said with a smile from ear to ear. They talked and Jack explained what they are doing. I then heard Jack say, “I miss you and see you soon.” And then Jack said, “Love you too.” It was so sweet and loving. And, it was so natural for Shelley and Jack - as though Jack has two mommies and two daddies. Connor does, so why not Jack?Jack passed the phone to Rod and then Shelley and I gabbed for the remaining time. The entire family was driving in the car chatting with Shelley who was 2,400 miles away. It’s in moments like these that I ask myself…what family in our situation does this?? WE do!(Side note to Shelley: Thank goodness you’re in Hawaii - my firepit is flooded!)

When our family discussed where Connor would be attending school (K-8), we had the intention of having both children at the same school. A nice, “gentle” Catholic school with morals and beliefs mirroring how we parent our children. Connor has now been at this school for two years, and is currently in first grade. Last year at Connor’s graduation from Kindergarten, we received some information that the school would be piloting a new program called TK (Transitional Kindergarten). As soon as I heard this information, I was ecstatic that Jack would be at the school one year earlier than we originally planned!The goal for us as a family was to have both children at the same school with the idea that they would be able to see each other daily. We were all thrilled about Jack attending the same school and sooner rather than later!

Jack has been in his TK class for approximately 5 months - and he’s been to the principal’s office a handful of times. I like to “chalk” it up to learning (learning within a new school environment; learning how to work with a new teacher; learning the rules, etc.). I, of course do not like to think that Jack is “hell on wheels.”

Well…

Upon picking Jack up from school two days ago, one of the extension teachers approached Rod and I with a grin from cheek to cheek. She began to chuckle, and said: “Boy do I have a story for you!” I began to hold my breath, thinking, “Oh no, what now?” She continued to laugh as she quietly told “the story.”Here it is: Jack was outside playing with some older girls when the girls ran to the extension teacher telling her that “Jack has a potty mouth, and is saying bad words.” Jack at this time was trembling with fear wondering if he had, in fact, said something bad. The extension teacher asked the girls what Jack said, and the girls chimed-in with, “He said, ‘What the?’ ” The extension teacher, with Jack behind her, said, “Well girls, I certainly do not think what or the are bad words.”

Jack started to feel some fire within, and said, “Yeah girls, I didn’t say a bad word.” After feeling completely vindicated, he turned to the extension teacher, and stated, “Now if I would have said bitch then that would have been a bad word.” “Yes, indeed, if I would have said bitch!”

I have heard this story from two teachers over the last two days. Apparnetly, this story has been circulating at school and resonated with these women who are teachers, wives, parents, grandmother’s.

All I can say is I’m glad they were laughing about it!!

I am so addicted to our laptop at home to surf the web, shop, or just download music, so I am sure you can understand when our laptop nearly died - so did I. Rod and I discussed the idea of getting an Apple computer but really didn’t want to buy into the “hype” like we already did with our I Phones. Well, low and behold within a few days, we actually “bought” into the hype and purchased an Apple laptop. We were shocked at how different the Apple computer was compared to our HP. We had to download pictures, music, and everything that was on our existing computer. This took several days. After several trips to the Apple store for assistance, we somewhat ironed out the kinks of the computer.I know…am I boring you? I am trying to get to the point, but the build-up is worthwhile.

The interesting thing with the transfer of the music and pictures was that it brought up ALL pictures and music. ALL pictures and music that we do not look at or listen too. So, one calm rainy night, Rod and I were in bed watching television, and of course trying to figure out the laptop. Rod was downloading some more pictures, and before my eyes was Rod and Shelley’s life together. Just like that, a flash! A quick flash, yet it seemed forever. Does that make sense? Did it throw me for a loop? SURE……

I have seen pictures, but not like these. These were family pictures…Connor’s birth pics, Shelley and Rod’s vacations, etc, etc. After I had a chance to view them, and recover from the shock (not in a bad way), I remembered that Rod had a life before me, a family before me, a past before me. The wonderful thing that enriched my experience while looking at the pics was that now…Shelley was my friend. I did not look at the pictures thinking, “Who is this other woman with my husband??” I looked at them and thought, “Ah, there is my friend Shelley.” And then I thought, “There is my other son, Connor.” I naturally cared about these people in the pictures. Rare, isn’t it? How many times do you hear women say, “I really care about my husband’s, ex wife?” NEVER!

Confidence, good relationships, understanding, and acceptance are key with an extended family (or any family). Harboring resentment, jealousy, or anger can be damaging to any relationship between spouses and ex-spouses, and will trickle down to the children. Our children know confidently that they have a great life - and “we” (Shelley and I) provide that for them.

My point is this: If Shelley and I didn’t forge this relationship, we would not be able to handle day to day issues relating to our current husbands, ex-husbands, or our children. Due to our collaberation and friendship, we can handle any situation in a sophisticated, self-respecting manner. Imagine if all divorced couples handled situations like this? Would more adults be sane? More imporantly, would their children be happier

Our mantra: It’s NOT about us, it’s about our kids.