Nirvana Mommas

Kids crave consistent routines. They really do. It gives them stability, a sense of control, the ability to anticipate what’s coming next. Routines are even more important for the children of divorce who toggle back and forth between houses.

Case in point: Bedtime.  Routine bedtimes are hard enough for any family to maintain let alone TWO households trying to mirror each other. Now, changing-up routines is great when it comes to what’s for dinner, what restaurant to go to, what bottle of wine to pop open. But when it comes to kids’ bedtimes? Not so much.

If bedtime is 8:00pm at dad’s house but 8:30pm at mom’s house…the seemingly insignificant thirty minute differential can translate into one hellacious wake-up call for a growing seven year old.  Thankfully, Connor’s schedule is the same at both homes. But still.  Even though we maintain consistent bedtimes, my first grader has somehow morphed into a teenager. It seems that whenever I enter his room to wake him, I’m greeted by the flailing of his tiny, dimpled hands which form a death grip on his blue and red plaid down comforter. He’s like Gizmo screaming, “Bright light! Bright light!” from Gremlins.

Lately, the only hint of my child in bed is a tiny mound underneath billowing blankets and pillows.  He’s only seven yet he’s become a Kodiak in hibernation. I thought this was on the distant teenage horizon?

Anyway, when it comes to consistency and routine, the obvious bedtime schedule is uber-important - even if the mornings don’t always go exactly as planned. But routines are just as important in other, unexpected ways.

I went shopping to update Connor’s bedroom. His room at his dad’s house is like an episode of MTV’s Pimp My Ride - only for bedrooms. Seriously.  It’s tricked-out with a flat screen TV, every game imaginable, a “good boy” calendar, a cool moon that glows in the night that corresponds to lunar phases, etc.  My house? Well, it’s cozy and warm but not tricked-out, per se.  So, I hit the stores, spent far too much cash and revamped his little pad.

I was SO proud to show Connor the new cabinets holding his books and growing Bionicle collection.  Some assembly had been required and I had proudly raided Steve’s tool box and built the cabinet myself! I was like Pam Anderson in Tool Time (well…minus the whole smoldering thing that she’s got goin’).   When Connor arrived for the unveiling…he looked around blankly.  In a stifled huff, I asked, “Is there something else you’d like to have in your room?”

“A hamper.”

Wha?????

He didn’t say “flatscreen, iPod, Nintendo.”  My kid wanted a  h-a-m-p-e-r.

I was speechless.

Then it occurred to me.  He has a hamper at his dad’s house. It’s part of his routine. He likes the consistency of throwing his clothes in one place (crazy enough). At my house, he just threw everything on the floor and I obligingly picked them up because that’s what mommies do, right?

Well, he really does like the sense of “sameness” between homes. He likes to be independent, to feel control, to take care of such inconsequential things as putting his clothes in a…hamper.  Who knew? 

Many people ask Jill and I how our children handle “splitting” holidays between their parents.  This is a great question!  But, we have a simple answer:  “They don’t have to.”But, this wasn’t always the case.

Not too long ago, we all whipped out our calendars and racked our brains to remember such things as: “Did you have Connor last year, or did I?” Then, we would worry about how Connor and Jack would handle leaving their mommy’s or daddy’s house (and their brand new toys on Christmas morning)….

When Connor was only 2 years old,  we could do the toggle without him understanding what was going on (sadly enough).  But, I knew.  After watching my baby drive down the street on my favorite holiday, I would retreat to his room, curl into a ball on his toddler bed…and cry.  All seemed lost and hopeless and I was incredibly sad…and alone.   Ugh.

Just a few years of healing later (yes, this stuff takes time!), Jill and I sat around the fireplace having a glass of wine (our ritual)…and it happened.  We had an epiphany and realized we were putting our own wish to see our children ahead of our kids’ desires (the desire to stay in ONE spot and the desire to be with BOTH parents). What kid wants to toggle on Christmas? Or Easter? Or…? Connor and Jack did NOT want to leave their mommy’s house OR their daddy’s house on Christmas morning. They wanted to wear their pajamas most of the day, drink hot chocolate and play, play, PLAY!  We wanted them to have memories of doing exactly that (and not being rushed from home to home). 

So, we decided to spend Christmas together as a family last December.  As our previous posts explain…we had a great time!  We followed that up by having our first Easter together this year…only we expanded the circle and included the grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins.  My parents, Jill’s parents, Rod’s parents (and extended family) -  gathered together, some of them meeting for the first time (Mike and Steve’s families were out of town, unfortunately). 

Since I just read Tolle’s new book (see our book list!), I really tried to enjoy each moment. So, as I stopped, took a deep breath, and looked around the room - I was struck by the vision of all that had unfolded around me:   My mom and Jill were laughing - my dad and Rod’s dad had snuck away to watch golf - Mike and Jill’s dad chatted - I talked with Jill’s Aunt….  And so it went for the entire afternoon and into the night.   An outsider would never know that all of these people had come together as a family despite divorce.  They did so because we simply asked.  

It felt a bit Field of Dreams’ish…a la “if you build it, they will come.”  But, this experience was more along the lines of:  If you ask them…they will come.  And come they did…with plates of food, cakes, Easter baskets, wine….

And the boys?  They were busy eating the ears off chocolate bunnies, swimming in the pool, running around - without a care in the world or a place to rush to next.  They were busy doing exactly what they should be doing on a holiday.  They also knew that the parents and grandparents (and aunts, uncles and cousins) who loved them were within arms reach.

Now, this does beg the question: Are we just one huge, odd bunch of people who can put sad pasts behind and come together as a family? Are we an anomaly?  Abnormal? Weird?  I don’t think so.   I think if people realize that they can’t change a whole lot in life but their reaction to it - then peace really is possible.  It can happen. We promise. 

We are so excited to be part of a great magazine for modern moms: kidaround magazine! We are featured in the March/April edition thanks to publisher and founder Barbara Hennelly. We met Barbara and shared our story. She saw that we were so passionate about inspiring, encouraging and motivating “other mommas” like us to have peaceful, fulfilled lives despite divorce - that she put us on her cover! It’s pretty funny for us to see ourselves on the cover a magazine (seriously… who would have thought?) but we’re so grateful that our article is being featured because we believe it will benefit young mommas and their children. Click here and enjoy!